loneliness; it's both a blessing and a curse.
i have had plenty of time to reflect on myself, my dreams, what i want, where i want to go.
as a result, i feel at peace with myself for maybe the first time in a long time. maybe it's turning 20, the hectic birthday celebrations that lasted all last week, the calm after the storm.
yes, i feel at peace with myself, but i want so badly to give myself to someone else. i am of the strong belief that you don't need another person to "complete" yourself. i am whole, i am whole, i am whole, i am enough.
however, watching the video for cliff's edge by hayley kiyoko made me crave the closeness she has with the other girl in the video. it is both tender and rough at once, that longing and desperation coupled with pure desire.
the lyrics speak of release, of freedom. i want to feel that sea breeze, she sings in the chorus. you've got me on a cliff's edge, where i belong. it's clear that she feels frustrated with her situation but also revels in it, loves the adrenaline, the rush of not knowing what's coming next.
it's a feeling all too familiar to me, but unlike kiyoko i'm not sure i embrace it. i want to know exactly where i stand, and i'd rather that not be at the edge of a cliff.
it's all about risk. do you take that leap and potentially get hurt, or stay put and potentially miss something amazing?
time and time again i have tried to put myself out there, and time and time again i have faced rejection. i have a tendency to get ahead of myself, taking crumbs of affection and attention when i know deep down i deserve the whole cake. i want it all, and i want it now.
i may have been knocked down, but the reason i keep getting back up is the possibility of taking that leap and falling headlong into something spectacular.
i am entering a new phase of my life, and if kiyoko has taught me anything, it is to take that leap, because things won't change unless i do.
do whatever gets you seen, she sings, and i intend to do just that, whatever the outcome.
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