Tuesday, 6 June 2017

i can't lose this feeling: carly rae, corbyn, and overcoming tragedy

once again i find myself leaving huge gaps in between posts on this blog, though i can't use the excuse of being busy with uni any more. today i was supposed to be in london for graduate fashion week, which my uni is a part of; those who volunteer for a three hour shift get their final project displayed (side note: my entire magazine can be viewed on my newly updated portfolio that we had to create for our final project, and i'm still cringing at the fact i submitted it with the word "portfolio" spelt wrong). i had no intention of volunteering as i knew that i wanted to be moved out of my uni house and back in manchester as soon as we handed in our work in may, but my tutor waved the sign-up sheet in my face on the day of the hand in so immediately i felt pressured to sign up for a shift. 

long story short; i couldn't afford the train fare and decided that it wasn't worth travelling all that way for a few hours, only to make my way back home again that same day. so i put my phone on "do not disturb" all day today and prayed i wouldn't get any angry phone calls from either my tutor or the other girls from my course who were doing the same shift as me. luckily i haven't heard anything, and i'm sure they were all far too busy with what was going on down at the truman brewery to care about me, and if there is a Higher Power, i thank them for not making this a mandatory part of our course. 

given how slowly time is passing, it's hard to believe i've not even been back at home a month yet, but i've been frantically applying for jobs since i returned, as well as continuing to write (for free) for guestlist (my interview i did with jakil (!!) can be found here). i also applied for universal credit at my dad's recommendation; a new benefit to replace job seekers that is paid monthly and can still be claimed once you start work. i had a(n unplanned) phone interview yesterday for a copy writing job, so i'm keeping my fingers crossed for that while still remembering that if it doesn't work out, there will be other opportunities, and i need to stop putting pressure on myself to find a Proper Job when i only finished uni a matter of weeks ago. (another side note: now that i have so much free time, i've been revisiting the CBT therapy i started in my first year of uni thanks to this website full of free worksheets and am determined to Think Positively from now on, rather than letting negative thoughts ruin my life. it feels somewhat unnatural right now but i'm hoping in a few weeks/months/years i might actually start to believe that Things Will Be Okay.) most people in my situation would be making plans to "take a year out" and travel, but it's really not a priority of mine right now; i'd rather save up enough to travel and stay in nice places in a few years' time. 

last week i went to york to finally visit my best friend after nearly six months of not seeing each other and had one of the best nights i've had in a while. we ended up at a tiny bar with two of his house mates (and her new girlfriend) and as soon as we walked in, wham! began playing, so i knew i was in for a good time. it was the first time in what feels like forever that i could properly Be Myself, and our walk home was accompanied by a selection of Gay Jams like these, as well as my excellent runway walk; still on point at 4am after A Lot of cocktails. we also stopped to pose with a window full of signs that said "vote labour", looking like a shitty indie band from the 80s in the process (shame my eyes are closed).

the songs we listened to will feature in a new music friday post later this week, but in the meantime i still wanted to post something and update the few people who read this blog about what's been going on. of course, everyone around the world is still in shock following the attacks in manchester and london; just yesterday i went into town and found myself holding back tears looking at the sheer number of flowers at st anne's square, left as a tribute to those who lost their lives. i was also devastated to hear that one of my favourite people martyn hett was killed during the attack; re-watching videos of him and his friends just before the concert and seeing him tweet about how excited he was takes on a whole new meaning after the events of that night. 

attacks like these have been happening for the last few years and all are equally devastating, but to see this happen just a stone's throw away from home, at a venue i've been to so many times over the last few years has really hit me hard. sunday's concert led by the incredible ariana grande was an emotional watch, but reaffirmed my belief that pop music brings people together and serves as a safe space for those who may not have one in their day to day life, as reflected in this excellent noisey article. i recently got tickets to see new order in july as part of the manchester international festival - which i'm volunteering at, providing an amazing job opportunity doesn't appear in the meantime - and refuse to live in fear of attending gigs and going into the city, as that's what the people who commit these atrocities want us to do. sunday's event has hopefully shown to those who wouldn't ordinarily bump dangerous woman while getting ready on a friday night that pop music can unite people from all walks of life, and fans of any genre, in the face of tragedy.

music-wise, i wasn't sure what to include in this post - i have a few ideas i want to save for later on in the week - so for now i'll just include what i've listened to today. i've been thinking about how this blog got started, and reading this post reminded me of run away with me, arguably my favourite ever song (second only to this) and the writing of my first ever post. (side note #3: i can't believe this will be my third year of writing this blog!!), which led me to a full on E•MO•TION binge - why the hell was love again only included on the japanese edition? WHY? - and the discovery of some excellent articles about carly rae, including this one about the "queer potential" of her music, and this one which provides a theory about the true meaning of boy problems. finally there is this, which is one of the best things i've ever read and i know anything i write in the future won't ever come close. i won't spoil it, but this extract pretty much sums up my feelings about everything ever:

"i feel sort of a reverse recognition when i listen to carly rae. i have never been good at valuing infatuation or falling helplessly to my needs, but i would like to be. love is steady even when it’s enveloping; it’s an endpoint that’s always felt un-mysterious and immediate to me. the great, stupid, fascinating mystery is that vectored positioning — that ambient hunger, that sense of possibility, the deliberately thoughtless worship of love before it complicates or decays. wouldn’t it be wonderful to stay there, hovering at the unreal beginning, under a spell of violent self-enchantment? tearing your eyes out and replacing them with stars?"

re-reading that post also led me to watch music and lyrics again with my mother a few days ago. the film is pretty terrible - save for hugh's wonderfully witty one liners - but my love for the soundtrack hasn't wavered since i first watched the film back in 2009 in a music lesson with a supply teacher. of course i would never publicly admit to loving it back then, but my friends and i adored it and still found ourselves singing the stupidly catchy lyrics months later. 

forget the heart-wrenching opening of epic war drama saving private ryan - another film we were made to watch in an english lesson for reasons still unknown to me (side note #4 (i am sorry): i found an old english paper the other day and had no idea why i'd kept it until i saw my grade at the top and the fact my year eleven english teacher had circled it with her pink pen and written "kissing paper"; in a class where people didn't know what a verb was, i was a proverbial genius/undoubtedly her favourite, and the feeling was mutual; i still miss her to this day) - as the most emotionally charged film opening i have ever seen is the music video for pop! goes my heart in music and lyrics. the song is all my 80s dreams, and i vow to learn the dance routine so i can embarrass my friends by performing it the next time i go out. i've had the song on repeat whilst writing this, and i don't plan on stopping once i've finished. 

finally, i fell into a noisey rabbit hole and spent most of the day reading their latest articles, as well as one i found which chronicles the best opening theme songs to british TV shows over the last twenty years, and the big brother theme song is still a work of art. when i was younger we had a compilation CD that seemed to be sponsored by pepsi - a steal on amazon at only £2.37 - and for some reason the theme song to this show was included. i remember playing it endlessly back then and it hasn't aged a day. 

this brings my stupidly long post to a convenient close, as the new series of big brother started last night, so i must go and catch up with tonight's episode, much to the dismay of my mother who only watches the (arguably better) celebrity version, but i will return with a new music post this friday.

p.s. if you're in the UK, don't forget to vote (labour) on thursday !!!!

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